Jakarta Drivers: Can They Drive?

Bumper to bumper situation (picture taken from The Jakarta Post)

Some people say that if you can survive driving in Jakarta, you can drive anywhere.   Well, if you drive like Jakartans in Los Angeles, you definitely will get shot at some point.  Why?

Because, the more I watch people drive here, the more I keep wondering, how on earth did they get their licenses?  It seems like there are no rules, let alone manners.   The more I look at drivers of motor vehicles in Jakarta, the more I wonder how lots of patients we have to deal with driving back and forth to and from work.

Lets start with what usually happens with my daily life on the road.  I like leaving home very early to avoid traffic and if I leave by 6:15 am, I can reach work in 20 minutes, while if I leave past that, even if it is only 5 minutes later, the traffic is so much different.  After using Jalan Pangeran Antasari for almost 3 years, I now know at which part of the road I must stay left, or move to the right lane.

First, the buses, especially the Kopajas.  These guys definitely know that they are much bigger than compact cars so they obviously can switch lanes as they please.  They stop almost every minute to drop or pick up passengers, they don’t give a sign when they make turns or switch lanes.  Often they stop in the middle of the street so both lanes cannot proceed.  For some reason, I always tell myself, “Oh well, they are buses” and get used to it (I have to, or else I will be extremely depressed for the rest of the day).

The other thing that I often wonder is, do people know about signals?  The light that drivers turns on when they are about to make turns?   Here is an example.  I never fail to give signs.  I turn my signal light to the right when I was about to turn right.  But all of a sudden, there is a motorcycle or a car that cuts you from your right.  I mean, how stupid is that?  Don’t they know that if the person in front of them turns the signal, they should not cut from that direction and they are supposed to slow down?

Talking about people that do not pay attention to the signals given, I start to doubt if they know what signals are for.  Some people just don’t bother signaling when they are making turns.  Some private cars do that, but most of all they are bus drivers and bajaj drivers.  Sometimes they are at the right lane when they want to turn left without signals, or giving left turn signals when they don’t want to turn.   Often buses do this, but I have seen some private cars do this, too.   What are in their minds?

Almost in all cases of driving, especially on toll roads, I find that people have no concept that left lane is for slower cars, right lane is for faster cars or for cutting of the car in front.  I have seen older, slower cars, or big trucks drive on the right lane.  OK, maybe the driver is enjoying the music, so lets try to give them the beam light.  Hey, s/he still doesn’t shift to the left lane.  Then you honk.  Nope, they seem to be happy annoying me.   Don’t they know when they are slower, give way to the faster?

Sometimes I think Jakarta drives cannot think one step ahead.  For example, when there is traffic jam and there is this annoying car that blocks your way,  because he wants to drive opposite your direction but that lane is stuck with traffic.  Or, in a junction, where a car just stops in the middle of the junction, causing traffic from his right or left to not able to move even though the light is green for them.  If you do this in Singapore (stopping in the middle of the junction when the light is red), you will get fined big time.  Just because they are inconsiderate, impatient or purely brainless?  How many times do you see this happening?

What makes me nervous are motorbikes.  There are more and more motorbikes in Jakarta for

Sidewalks for motorbikes or pedestrians?

economic reasons.  But, sorry to say, motorbikers have no manners, no brains and no common sense when it comes to driving in Jakarta.  How many times do you see motorcycles climb to the sidewalks during traffic?  And the ironic thing is, nobody does anything.  The police sometimes just watch this, as if it is alright.

Have you ever experienced at the red light, when you are properly stopping behind the white line and these motorbikes all of a sudden appear in front of you?  Some of them even squeeze through the narrow space between cars, often smash your mirror or scratch your car.

Photo by Priyo Tri Handoyo

The same as when there are more than two people on the motorbike.  Sometimes, it is like watching acrobatic show; one big happy family on one motorbike.  I sometimes feel scared when seeing a toddler, almost falling asleep, on the motorbike   Or a child, standing in the front of the motor bebek, making the father imbalanced.  Now, how could the driver react fast should there something happens?

Now, you rarely see a STOP sign at a junction, but when you see it, you rarely see that these people really stop.  As if STOP stands for Slightly Tap On Pedal.

Last but not least, this is the proof that people, including the ‘big guys’ don’t understand about the use of Hazard Light.  The Hazard Light is on to let other drivers know that the car is NOT moving.  This is an international rule.  For some reason, not only in Jakarta, people turn on their hazard lights when they are moving.  Sometimes when it is a group of cars (like a parade, or a group of bride and groom family, in the middle of heavy rain, etc).  If I turn on the hazard light when I’m in motion somewhere in USA or Europe, I will definitely be stopped by the police.  In a way, it is dangerous.

In contrary, when it is raining, I think we should turn on the headlights.  Well, some motorbikes don’t have the lights on when they are driving at night.  Bajajs are hillarious, the light, if any is like probably 5 watts lighbulb.

I think not everybody deserves a driving license in Jakarta.

Indonesian Election: The Debate of the Vice Presidents

After criticized for the “too friendly” format of the presidential debate, the Indonesian Vice President debate format was slightly changed, although it was not the format that gave a little bit of colour (from dull to slight tone) but the candidates were all colourful.

Boediono, Prabowo and Wiranto

What I meant by colourful is, of course, more colourful than the Presidential Candidate debate.  At least, I find it more interesting than the Presidential Candidate.  What I can pull out from watching the debate was the different characters of the three candidates:  Prabowo was agressive, Boediono was calm, Wiranto was trying make things less serious by making a little joke.

Prabowo was very clear in his message: money talks.  He was also clear in saying that if you want change, vote for me.  If you want to stay put, don’t vote for me.

As an ex Kopassus (elite army) general, Prabowo was firm.  But I found him ‘choke’ a little bit when asked about desintegration and the relationship between religion and the state.  He kept saying “systemic dysfunction” but I did not see him spread out what he will do to make it function.

Boediono, the ex Bank Indonesia governor was calm, careful, and managed to pull himself out well.  I was impressed by his calmness standing in between the ex generals.  He managed to also answer the questions with bullet points and he seems like a person who will look at things from every different angle, judging from the way he responds to the questions.   He might be just too careful.  He seems like a ‘nurturing’ person, could be too patient or slow.

Wiranto, on the other hand, was similar to Prabowo but not as agressive.  It seems that these ex-generals share the same character, but Wiranto is much more subtle.  At some point he was trying humour, but he came up with  suggestions such as interracial marrage and transmigration.  Has he any idea that transmigration program failed big time during the Soeharto era?

The way I see these candidates are how will they replace the president if something happen?  For Prabowo, I am a bit worried.   He is definitely stronger and smarter than Megawati and I think he might already have a plan on how to pull her down.   My worry is, this is the guy who is smart but also capable of using iron hands.  He was in Timor, he was also involved in the 1998 riot, he was across Soeharto and dare to be that way, this dude is something.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he plans to replace Megawati before her time.  Then, the country will be instable, then people will still not be fed.

Can Boediono fill in SBY’s shoes?  I think the synergy between the two would be good, knowing both of them are relatively clean and has good credibilty, but if he should be the president, will be strong enough?  Firm enough to take care of these so-called Indonesian?  Or will he be like BJ. Habibie?

Wiranto seems to have a never ending energy to be the president of Republik Indonesia.  I don’t think he is sharp enough and I am not a Golkar fan.  That Lapindo thing will never be solved if those two win (Lapindo, owned by Aburizal Bakrie, who is a Golkar person).  With the Golkar track record, I wouldn’t bet this country to someone who was a Golkar before.  Too many hidden agendas!  As for him to exchange JK, he will have a different approach but I am still not clear on where he stands; maybe he is a ‘flexible’ person.

Lets see if there will be more debates and I am looking forward to a more spicy debate!

Indonesian Election : Who can it be now?

SBY, Mega and JK

I rarely watch TV but the presidential candidate debate was on Metro TV.  There, they are, the three candidates:  Megawati, Susilo Bambang Yudoyono (SBY) and Jusuf Kalla.  I have never missed a presidential vote, being a good citizen and afraid my vote will be used by others.

The debate was so lame.  It was not sharp, very basic, all the candidates answered the questions with floating answers and the silly thing is, supported each other.  Having watched American debates, I was hoping that the questions were tougher, for example, what are the programs for the Lapindo Mud from the law point of view, about the some certain law, about their choices of their vice president, something interesting to watch.  Ngga menggigit, Indonesians say.  Instead, each candidates started their talk by, “I agree with you that we shall…”, “I’m glad you have that idea, because I like that too…”.  What kind of debate is that?  From all, I think SBY  has explained in more detailed on his strategy, Megawati is seeing things in big pictures but not addressing how to do it, while I see Jusuf Kalla is taking the questions lightly.  Overall, it didn’t help me make it any easier to make my pick for the next president.

What I think?

First of all, let me tell you about me and politics.  I am not into politics, although I was quite active when I was in ITB and involved a bit with SPUR, the professional group that gathered together in 1998, supporting students demonstration to pull Suharto down from his throne.  All those demonstration and support my friends and I had was purely the idealistic side of us wanting the country to be better.  As soon as things became too political, we didn’t pursue our career in politics or anything like that but we managed to get together for social activities to help children in the rural part of Jakarta subsidizing milk.  I stayed faraway from politics because I was just not interested.  To a point where I am frustrated with the DPR, justice and corruption and stopped reading newspapers and watching TV to avoid feeling depressed.

So I am just a common person, like most of Indonesian professionals.  I love Indonesia, I care about the country, but only passively following it.  I vote, I pay my tax, I listen, I follow the law.

Second of all, I am still traumatized by Golkar.  Jusuf Kalla and Wiranto are fellow Golkarians.  Although it has reformed, I don’t think things have changed in that party for the last 10 years.   This is the party with too many collusions therefore I don’t really support them.  I don’t really support any parties, as a matter of fact.

Wiranto and Prabowo, in my mind, still have lingering issues on the 1998 riot.  The kidnapping and the death of the Trisakti students has not been finished to the end and I am sure they are part of that mumbo jumbo that caused death and rape among the Chinese Indonesians.

Prabowo seems to have things together, being the Chief of the elite army ‘Kopassus’, he was one of the brightest and daring general.  He has been proven to be able to lead in Timor Timur and has is loyal followers in the army.  I would think he could get things sorted out, probably not quite cold as Benny Moerdani (hmmmmh….no guarantee there).  But do we need that cold hand?  Will he be cold?  It also seems like he is way too dominant compared to Megawati.  Based on his background and what he is capable of, is there a chance that he might take over Megawati in the middle?  He also wanted to be the president.   Is there a guarantee that Indonesia will be stable?

Just watched on TV yesterday that some people burnt the posters and banners of Mega-Prabowo because they weren’t paid after putting them on.  Wow.  Good example of what sort of leaders they are.

Megawati was once a president but I see her as a symbol intead of a leader.  Her leadership was poor when she replaced Abdurrahman Wahid.  Having Taufik Kiemas as her husband who is also into politics is not helping either; for some reason I do not like his body language during the debate and it seems that the family is still practising nepotism and collusion.   During her time, it seems nothing real happened, no changes and improvement were made.

Jusuf Kalla’s economic plan seems quite good.  During his time as the VP, he managed to gain the foreign interest to invest in Indonesia.  Although some people are concerned that he will “shut down” foreign investors, his idea on encouraging Indonesian economic from the root is attractive.  As a businessman, I think he will be good, but him pairing up with Wiranto, who is the constant participant of presidential election seems not attractive to me.

SBY has lead the country for 5 years now and although slow and sometimes emotional, he is actually doing something unlike the former presidents (besides Habibie: he let go of Timor and Bintan).  Personal tax by having every people have NPWP, free fiscal going abroad, Aceh, plus he is pretty clean.  When he was elected, I said, “Finally, someone representative to talk to other leaders”.  He is slow and cautious, but this country is a mess that couldn’t be fixed overnight anyways.

SBY pairing up wit Boediono seems to be quite a pro-contra to people, especially the green parties.  I am a bit concerned about Boediono’s neo-liberalism for his economic policy but I have to admit that I haven’t read a lot of his views on his thoughts and ideas if SBY and he is elected.  What I know is that Kwik Kian Gie, the former minister for finance and economy during Megawati, who I look up a lot for his nationalism and smartness, does not believe that Boediono will apply the ‘ekonomi kerakyatan’ (what is the Indonesian translation for this, economy based on people?), showing his policies being the BI Governor.  But, Boediono is quite clean, and from that point of view, he gains points.  We do need people that are clean.

I think many of us believe that stability of the country, security and law enforcement is the main issues in Indonesia.  Without that, it is difficult to do business and invite investors to plant their capital in this country.  Opposition is needed as a control.  Will those not chosen later postition themselves as a qualified oppositors, I think this election is a win-win situation.  It is the people that will suffer from the wrong leader.

Watch who you vote for.  It might cost generations.

Indonesian Presidential Election: Can Bloggers be Bought?

Indonesia Votes

I was intrigued by an article written by Iman Brotoseno, an active blogger and chairman of the Pesta Blogger 2009, about bloggers who are willing to blog about one of the presidential candidate with some certain amount of fee.  Come to think of it, the internet is an effective way to pass information.  It should also be a good media for presidential campaign.   Lots of journalist post news, information and current happenings through blogs.  So, no surprises if the blogger communities are of interest to the presidential candidates or parties.

Iman, in his polite Javanese way, did not judge anybody who wants to dig the opportunity during the election season.  Iman, himself, was invited by Jusuf Kalla to look at his campaign (flying with his private jet) to Nusa Tenggara.  No need to be a genius to figure out what Kalla’s success team wants:  good posting about him on Iman’s blog to obtain votes.  Iman, as one of the leading bloggers in Indonesia and the chairman of Pesta Blogger (the annual bloggers gathering), did not promise anything (as he wrote in his blog).

If the parties or the success team for the presidents think that they will get vote from the bloggers, they have to think twice.  Yes, blogs are medias, like newspaper or radio.  But there are hundreds of bloggers out there who blogs for fun, unlike journalist who write news for their living.  Bloggers usually have their own profession; students, doctors, lawyer, secretary, accountant, it is a very wide spectrum of community.  Therefore, one cannot say that they have the bloggers vote, bloggers as one community, like saying that they have the, lets say, Nahdatul Ulama’s vote.  Or back in Suharto’s era, civil servant’s votes.  But bloggers votes?  It is like saying you have the votes from all Indonesian people.  If the success teams think that they can get the bloggers community to vote for them, they must know nothing about blogging.

There must be bloggers that can be bought to write only nice things about one particular candidate (such as there journalists that will twist some facts for some amount of incentives).   In which, they just have a different sort of values compared to others (or me).  Just like those poor people that will campaign for Golkar today for Rp. 30,000,- and PAN tomorrow for Rp. 30,000,-.  Opportunity does not come twice, right?  But even if one managed to “buy” the top ten Indonesian bloggers, I still doubt that these top ten bloggers will attract other bloggers to follow what they wrote.  What will happen is, his or her blog will be full of questions from the reader and create a good (or bad) discussion forum, sort of a pro-kontra type discussion.

But like other things, once you pick your side, you will lose your popularity.  And once one knows that you are being paid to write, people will know that you can be bought.  Then who will believe your posts?

I sometimes think that bloggers could be a mixture of a journalist, writer,  and thinker.  A good blog should be informative, not necessarily easy to read but interesting and tickles your mind.   We are aloud to express our thoughts and ideas in our blogs (without sacrificing ethics, that is).  So if that can be bought, there are no more free thinkers.

There must be thousands of blogs out there and hundreds of personal blogs like My Busy Brain.  There are also thousands of bloggers out there who blogs during their spare time, not as a job.  So, if those candidates think that they will get the ‘Indonesian Bloggers Community’ votes, question : which community?  Those candidates should probably use their money for advertisement than paying top bloggers to fly using their private jets, following their campaign schedules, hoping that they will write only good things in their blogs.

Made in Indonesia

I was intrigued by the campaign of Jusuf Kalla about using Indonesian product, where he encourages Indonesians to consume Indonesian products to raise the Indonesian economy.  There is even this cute videoclip that I found from the internet, a Golkar campaign on using Indonesian products.

Do I have 10 “Made in Indonesia” product at home?  Lets see…

1. A “By the Sea” shirt I bought in Bali

2. Bali shirt (the flowery cool shirt with bright colours)

3. My bookshelf: made in Central Java but bought in Kemang Timur

4. My ‘Ikat’ handbag and my Bali handbag my brother bought for my present and leather bag from Jogja

5.  Some necklace and bangles (mostly I bought when I was in Menado or Bali, made from seashells)

6. My sarongs, mostly from Bali, and some

7.  My dinner table and the chairs, rattan mixed with teak made in Central Java, bought at Kemang Timur

8.  Obin batiks and kebayas

9. The boxes from Lombok

10.  A ceramic pot placed at the corner of my living room

I actually have more.  My sofa is bought in an Indonesian Furniture Fair.  Another set of chair my dogs like to sit on is teak, my buffet is teak as well.  Some carvings I bought in Nias and East Kalimantan.  So, I can say that I don’t say no to Indonesian products.  Some are beautiful, artistic, good quality.

I have to admit though, for day to day stuff like office shoes, office outfit, bags, gadgets, car, etc, they are not made in Indonesia.  Am I a branded gal?  Honestly, for quality, yes.  If I can afford it, I will buy good quality clothes, shoes (because they last long and comfortable to wear).

“USE INDONESIAN SERVICES!”

I often hear this when I go to BPMIGAS and propose for work.  Why not use nationals?  Why not use Lemigas to do your analysis?  Elnusa can do the seismic reprocessing, too.  Indonesians can do it in a cheaper price.  Those are often comments that I get from the regulators, which I sometimes get tired of answering.

First of all, the company is NOT MINE.  Therefore, they have the rights to use whoever they want to do the projects.  In order to avoid KKN (Corruption, Collusion and Nepotism), there is already a strict tendering process that we follow.  Some service companies, they already have a brand and well known for their consistant good service and quality.  When it comes to services, especially lab analysis on samples (our samples costs a lot!), we cannot screw it up because it will give big implication.  Therefore, trust and quality is what we pay for, not only because it is cheap. Foreign companies does not want to take risk, therefore they use a reliable and more experienced services.  And they have preferences, which is not wrong.  I have my preferences when I go shopping.  Nobody can force me to cut my hair with somebody that I don’t feel comfortable with.

Second, foreign consultants are good at promoting themselves.  In my world, those who publish papers more will be known.  Those who are involved and active in organisations are those who benefit.  Those who can sell themselves by networking and sales in annual meetings and give their business cards will excel more.  I do sometimes see that Indonesians are lack of these ’self selling’ skills.  Either they are shy, or very modest, or they are just reluctant to approach investors, i.e. companies to sell their products.  For example, I have been called so many times by this guy who has a software product for operations from Australia, who keeps asking when is a good time for him to show his product.  While I rarely get calls from my Indonesian colleagues selling any products, or even find out what sort of product my company might need.

Another example is health services.  Why do Indonesians, if they can afford it, go to Singapore or Malaysia?  Because the health service is better and they make people trust them.  Not saying that the doctors and medics are not smart, there are smart doctors in Indonesia, of course.  But there is no control, no or little protection if something goes wrong, and some technologies are just not available (or not marketed).  Who will risk their health?

So, not that I don’t agree with Jusuf Kalla on using Indonesian products to encourage the Indonesian industry.  Because I do buy Indonesian products.  I think Jusuf Kalla as a businessman also understand that quality and service should meet the buyer’s needs, besides trust and reliability.

Those Cibaduyut shoes are good and they have been around for years, by the way.

Islam, Facebook, Cellphones and Perverts

Let us burn in hell with our Blackberries

Another news from the Islamic clerks in Indonesia, MUI (Majelis Ulama Indonesia).   This is how backwards some people can be.  This is from  yesterday’s The Jakarta Post.

NU spokesman Abdul Muid Shohib said communication using mobile phones was prone to adultery, especially between sexes. “Communicating through mobile phones could lead to extra marital affairs”, Abdul told Jakarta Post through his mobile”.

Before that, the ulamas also were considering about banning (or letting out the so-called fatwa) on cyber-social network such as Facebook and Friendster.  Abdul said, “We have banned social networking such as Facebook, Friendster and others because they are not used spread Islamic teachings, but gossiping”.  He also mentioned pornography to spread from social networking.

The catholic church is now using Facebook to spread the religion.  That was in Kompas yesterday.  Ask the pope.

If anything, cellphones, internet and any other electronic gadgets that did not exist before makes information to spread faster.  It makes life and business easier in most cases.  Including sex, pornography and crime.  Even before electricity was invented people have committed adultery.

What makes me wonder is, is SEX all there is in these moslem clerks mind?  What is wrong with Islam, why is sex so bad and taboo?  And when you think about it, men are the ones that come up with these ridiculous ideas.

Lets start from the idea that women have to cover up themselves that only their eyes and palms are aloud to be seen.  They said, all the curves, which was actually invented by God, creates sin because it can lead men to think about sex.  So, why didn’t God create women like a big bucket without curves then?

Then female circumcision.  The reason for this is to keep women’s purity until they get married, and also to avoid women to experience the pleasure of intercourse so they will not commit adultery.  Their clitoris are chopped off, in some places the labio is wounded and the vagina being sewn by the scar.  The first experience for sex is a nightmare for these women.  The practise can even lead to death because of infection and bleeding.

To desire is sin, to be aroused is sin, everything related to sex is sin.  As if that is the only thing that is in these people’s mind.

Desires are there for procreation to begin with.  In animals, if they don’t have this instinct they will become extinct.

I think, these moslem leaders are the one that needs to practise self control.   Stop blaming for what is around and start reflecting whether they are really practicing the teachings or not.  From what My Busy Brain see, it is them who have problems controlling and using what is supposed to be a gift from God.

This is how Depression feels like

You cannot run away from me

Sometimes it just hits me.  Sometimes I know it’s coming.  Then I tell mysef, “Oh no, it is coming”.   It feels like as if there is a big devil coming to hug you, saying, “You cannot hide from me. Come with me, no need to fight.  You will just get tired”.

And he comes and open his arm, plant his fingernails on your back and squeeze me to his chest and suck all you energy.

All dark, all painful, and the devil’s chest has a deep black hole inside it which sucks me very deep no matter how I reach out and stretch my arms, nobody can reach me.   I cry for help but I don’t know to whom, yet afraid my cries will make them even leave me.  So I just shut myself, feeling unworthy, keeping in silence and let myself sink into the devil’s chest.  Suffocated, tearful, powerless.

Until I reach the bottom of the devil’s core.  Dark, nothing to see.  All I can repeat is, I’m bad, I am screwed up, why am I here again, I am cursed.  I’m not good at anything.  I am the master of screw up.  I am not good at work.  I hope I don’t have to wake up.

So painful I don’t even know why it is here again.  Maybe something that accumulated.  I don’t know.  As far as I can remember, I only have 3 months in every year where I feel content.  The rest if depressed and healing.  If  God only allows me to be happy 3 months a year, then I will have to just accept it as my faith.  Maybe some people are born with some hormone deficiency that cause them depressed from time to time.

This is how I feel when it comes

And I will dwell in the bottom of it, in the dark, hugging my knees, alone.  Horizontal, losing any interest, just want to lie down, feeling down.  Echo in my ears repeating I’m not worth it, I’m a loser, I wish I could end it.

I want to shout, “help me!” but my voice won’t come out. I don’t know to whom and afraid they will reject me anyways.   They try, but then get frustrated.  I sometimes even push people away so that they don’t have to feel miserable.   The thing is, I don’t want to be like this.  It is not my choice.  I just have those days where I am at the bottom. Those days where nothing can get me out of the hole.  Even daily life is an effort.  Lost appetite, lose interest and self esteem.  Cannot see the future, slow in any reaction.

Depression.  Tell you what, it is not a nice place to be.  But maybe it is what I have to live with.  So when it comes, I’ll just close my eyes, lie down, and hoping something will find the black hole and give a little light.  I still don’t know precisely what invites the devil.

Mistakes

I was thinking of the kind of mistakes that makes me feel that I cannot forgive myself.  The kind that makes you feel, “Gosh, I really screwed it this time”,  “Dang, how am I going to live with myself now?”.  The kind that makes you embarrassed, or regretful, or even suicidal.

Photo by dhiebgd

The Japanese.  Harakiri, Seppuku.  When they made a mistake, they feel so ashamed that they commit suicide.  So ashamed that they cannot face the earth anymore.  Rather than live with shame, they would rather die.  Harakiri is done maybe to pay for their mistakes.  It is the best one can do to save their name and face.

I don’t know any other culture that goes to that extreme.

When one makes a mistake, they are sorry and they ask for forgiveness to whoever they made a mistake to.   Promise that they will not do it again.  Hope that they will be forgiven, if not now, soon.  Hope that we can all forget the mistake like it never happened.

When I was in school, when I made a mistake, I will get punishment.  When I came late, I had to clean the bathroom.  When I forgot to do my homework, I had to stand up in front of the classroom.   At home, corporal punishment was applied.  If we made a big mistake, we will feel the broom or the sapulidi or the belt.   As we grow up, I think it became more torturing because our father gave us long speeches that really made us feel bad. Then without being told, we will apologize to him in tears and ask for forgiveness and promise that we will never do it again.

As we grow up we make different mistakes.  We interact with different people and they act differently.   “Forgiven but not forgotten” applies.   Relationships cannot be the same anymore.  Some mistakes cause lots of money.  Or even a big effect on other people’s life.   Or your own life.  If I was forgiven, it feels better.  If not, I will feel bad but I will accept it as the consequence and just have to live with it.  But what if we cannot forgive ourselves?  What if it feels like  you are a basketcase, bad person, screwed up big time, failure?  So ashamed of yourself that you don’t want to face the world anymore?  What if you hate yourself because of the mistake and the mistake cost a fortune?  What if other people have to suffer because of your mistake and you are aware that you screwed up?

What if forgiving yourself is so difficult?  What if one  thinks even God hate them?

Mistake – disgrace – shame – punishment – apologize

On the opposite case, some people don’t feel ashamed when they made a mistake or two.   They don’t seem to be sorry and don’t need to apologize, either.  They don’t need to admit it, also.  Even though they screwed up big time and people suffer from the mistake, they seem like they can still eat and sleep well.  Aren’t they lucky?

Sometimes it just stops at mistake.  No disgrace, no shame, no punishment.   While here I am, sometimes feeling like….ending it all.

Happy…

(Rambling mode ON)

Sometimes I find that in order to be happy, I have to make an effort.  I think it is easy to choose to be miserable, but it is not easy to choose to be happy.

Some people say happiness is all in your mind.  Happiness is a choice.  If I can say, “I’m going to be happy” and feel happy, wow, what a happy world it is.

I also wonder some of the owner of great minds suffers from depression.

I think it is aloud to feel sad and depressed from time to time.  It makes you appreciate happiness.  It makes you appreciate little things.  As long as it doesn’t drag me down too deep, I think it is ok to feel sad and just completely do nothing if that is what I want to do.  Sometimes only time can bring you back to normal.

Sometimes there is juuuust a little moment when all of a sudden you feel better.  Sometimes when you don’t concentrate on being happy, something simple and unthinkable makes you feel better.

Sometimes I have to do some certain stuff to feel better, at least for a while. That is why I think happiness is an effort.  It needs training and practise.

Why are there so many self help books to make us feel happy?  Is there so many sad people out there?

I avoid certain environment so that I won’t feel sad and depressed.  But sometimes I just cannot avoid it.  And I work hard to be happy, but then I feel tired.

To be happy is an effort.  To be able to control your mind to be happy is a big effort. It is an effort because it needs a change of paradigm, attitude and mindset.

Maybe being happy is not that important.  Maybe being content is better.  Hmh.

I D E A L I S M

When I questioned where is idealism and values, these are the answers I get:

Flushed down the toilet

Burried 6 feet under

Still there, with major, major adjustment

My dear friend Mitch answered the only value and idealism she believes is love (even that is compromised these days).

This is what I think about idealism.  I think idealism started from a value that we carry and the dream we have.

I am a geoscientist.  One of my job is to ‘reconstruct’ earth.  Based on my knowledge that I learned for 7 years (through bachelor and master degree) and my experience for almost 19 years, I have to answer the question, “Where is the oil?”.  It is a question worth several million US dollars.

Scientists have, or should have, values.  The first thing is, they have to tell the truth based on what they learned through their experiments and their knowledge, furthermore to explain to others about the information so others could benefit, or at least, be educated.  I will never, ever, dare showing the management what they want to hear and make them happy if it is not the truth.   I will never, ever tell a lie to make the CEOs happy so that they can up the share price.  If I don’t know, I will say I don’t know and try to find the answer.

I will never, ever, appreciate plagiarism.  That is another value that I carry.  No matter what, I will have my own opinion, and I will quote or cite those who came up with the original idea.

Yesterday one colleague of mine came and I had a debate or discussion on how to do a certain task.  Argument is common in science.  One of my task is to make sure things get done with the correct approach.  As a geologist, I have a reputation I have to protect: my credibility.  The person wanted the team to copy other company’s nomenclature without going through a process or even knowing what sort of data and geology we have, while I told him it should be treated carefully.  After challenging arguments on how to approach it, which I think was still in a healthy boundary, the last the response killed it.  It was, “The Director, is our customer.  We have to please him”.

So far, I have pleased lots of bosses because I produced good work.  I don’t focus on ‘making someone happy’ but I focus on giving the best that I could.  My professor at ITB told me something that I will never forget,  “Every line that you pull or draw on a paper, you should be responsible of”.  Tell the truth, be responsible and loyal to my profession.

But then I try to understand, different people have different values and motivation.  I am lucky because I am single, I have no dependant, I have not in debt, not those that I cannot pay should something happen to me today.  If there is one thing I have to protect is my credibility in the geology community in my country.  Once I made stupid remarks with no back up or strong argument, my credibility is gone.  My career would be over. My dream is, to make sure this company survives for long term, discover and produce oil and gas.

My colleague has a different background.  His contract is 1 year and has a family. Of course his first responsibility is to be a responsible father and husband.  Take care of his family.  I also understand that he is not pleasant being a in that position, being pressed from here and there and unfortunately, have to keep most people happy.

I understand that sometimes reality does not permit one to be 100% idealistic.  That is when you have to compromise.  We survive by compromising to some extent, as long as it does not jeopardize your values.  For example, for me, producing crap work just to please someone is against my value, in which, may jeopardize my career and credibility as a scientist.  Remember the Busang case years ago, where Bre-X gave a fake number on their gold reserves to up their shares?  The geologist committed suicide, jumped from a helicopter.

Example above is mild.   Look around and you will be wetting your pants because you will be scared.  Doctors these days.  How many credible doctors are there in Jakarta?  Those that you can trust that they analyze your illness and prescribe the right medicine, instead of prescribing those that came from the pharmaceutical company that give them extra money?  These doctors are not stupid.  How many recommends surgery when it is not necessary, or give alternatives?  No wonder Indonesians trust magic like Ponari because they are cheaper.  No wonder the rich Indonesians go to Singapore or Malaysia for better treatment.  I cannot even rely on doctors, I have to educate myself through the internet before going to them, google their names, and check the medicines they gave me.  Even the health minister said that the swine flu is difficult to live in Indonesia because it is hot.  Everything is under control because we managed bird flu well.  The last time I know, Mexico was not that cool.   Did she say that to please the president?

Personal trainers.   How many are there telling their clients to do some ridiculous exercises that can be dangerous?  How many are those who really know how to train and responsible with their title?  I sometimes pity the overweighted and untrained women that goes to the gym and unluckily being trained by those who tell them to do lunges with weight without considering their age and condition.  Ignorant instead of stupid.  No idealism nor dream to improve themselves to be a real professional, let alone care about their own reputation.  Thank God those diving students of mine are all good and safe divers.  Because I won’t let them pass a single exam or pool session if they don’t master even one skill.  Because, if they die, how am I going to live with myself?

Rani, the caddy involved with the murder of Nasrudin Zulkarnaen and the Anti Corruption Team leader Antasari Azhar.  Which makes me think of those unlucky girls from the kampung.  Wait a minute, are they  really poor or do they want to have some luxury and live like the rich without working too hard?   Marry or date somebody that they don’t love so that they can have fast cash?  Tell you what, not only those poor kampung girls, even girls that works in the office (this is my friend who works in a major oil company) once told me that she wants to marry an expat so that she doesn’t have to work anymore.  Now.  The poor, I can understand how poor people  in rural Indonesia are and poverty is a never ending story.  But the others, what happen to love (Mitch, answer!).  What happened to dreams?  No wonder my cousin said he will not consider dating a women unless they have their own BMW that they bought themselves.  To ensure that the women is not after his money, but after him.

Those judges, police, politicians.  I was listening to the radio about the legislatives and one candidate, who is a teacher in a small town in South Sumatra said, ” Well, it’s ok if I am not elected as a legislative; back to normal and I will find another income”.   What happened to making his district prosperous?  Is idealism that shallow now?

Dream and hope is not the monopoly of the rich only.  Dream and hope makes one live.   If you work on it, your dreams may come true.  And tell you what, it feels good!  But do  good values have to be tweaked and compromised?

Last but not least, this country, Indonesia, was formed by idealist who have a dream.  They are the founding fathers.  They left the world with good names and their decendants are proud of it.   It is not an easy road to fight for the values and live to reach your dream.  If you are a believer, look at the sorrow and challenges the messengers had to go through.  That’s a bit extreme, I guess.  Nelson Mandela then.  The writer, Pramoedya Ananta Toer.  Soekarno and Mohammad Hatta.  Aung San Su Kyi.  Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

I have two nieces.  Who knows if they will be a geologist in the future.  I often wonder if I would be different if I am in a position where I was poor, in debt and have to feed 5 mouths.   Would I still be able to say I’d rather die than live in disgrace and forget about values?