Snapping Out from Depression Illness

I am sufferring on depression, one of the most illness that attacks 19 million people in the
United States and God knows how many at other places.  I am taking medications, and it has been 1.5 years that I go and see my therapist. Before, I was on Prozac, didn’t work out well and changed to Zoloft, and now it is changed to Cymbalta and other medicines he mixes (some of it is Frissium) and I take Eselgan to help me sleep at night.   

It is not the medication that I want to blog about.  But I’ll start with how I feel.  When I have my drawbacks, mornings are HELL to me.  As the days go by, it gets better.  Sometimes I feel sad for no reason and just cry, cannot control my tears. I hate this illness. I want to stop my medication but the doctor said there are still things I have to sort out. What I want to share is what I try to do to be on the road of recovery. 

As I go for therapy with the doctor, I begin to understand where some of my depression comes from. Not that I blame my parents, they raised me so that now I am independent and can take care of myself.  I’m the eldest of 3, coming from a strong eastern culture and sophisticated family.  My Dad worked for a major national oil company, my mom is a doctor and my mom’s family are all well educated. I was raised to be perfect: good score at school, play the best for piano, violin, but my passion was on basketball and I made a good team in highschool.  As expected, I always get good grades, got scholarship to study geology to the
USA, and got a good job and my career is going nowhere except upwards.  Now I went all the way through becoming a PADI diving instructor as my side job and I can dance Salsa well.  I always do the best and even try to be better, I’m competitive, became a perfectionist and a control freek.   

Things became crumbling down when things doesn’t work out for me.  I might look impressive outside but not many people knows that I am in a deep depression.  My parents are sophisticated and socially they are elite.  They expect things to be perfect and their idea of perfection is go to school, do best in music,  find a job, get married and have children, which is normal for parents, especially in the strong eastern culture and from where my mother comes from (part West Sumatra).  Because I most of the time excel in things I do, I have difficulties accepting failure.   

My personal life is not working out well, my marriage turned out to be a failure. Work is very challenging at the moment and there are lots of demands i.e. stressful that I became afraid that I will fail on my performance.  I had a close relationship with somebody for 3 months which I put lots of hope in but last week I found out that he was not ready for the relationship, part is he has some problems but I was also not the person for him.  So I was dumped, sort of, part of it is because I suffer from depression, although he says that it was nobody’s fault, but I feel it’s me to blame of this failure because I am depressing.   

Things are not going on well with me and I cannot accept it; it is difficult for me to accept that things are not controllable at the moment and not being able to fix things no matter how I tried.  I begin to worry, get panic attacks and low self esteem.  I even thought about ending this life at some point, I feel that I lost the battle with life.  

But then, having more time for myself now, I start to review all the things, because I’m focusing on getting well.  

I have to accept that I am only human and sometimes things don’t work out and it is not a failure.  I have to accept that for a starter. S%*t happens, its how we handle it.  

I cannot control everything.  Things I cannot control, I try to just give it up to God.  I believe He loves me and He is watching and taking care of me.  Sometimes we don’t know what is good for us, but He knows.  So although I feel like crap at the moment, I believe there is some plan He is having for me. 

I try to bless what I have and focus less on the dark side.  These days, I focus on feeling down, frustrated, but on the other hand, the fact is that I have a job that pays well, I have no dependant (except my dogs who still lives with my husband, need to find a house so I can live together with them again).  I admit that I often worry, maybe that’s a trademark from my Dad’s side. But I rarely see the bright side of what’s happening.  

If I count my blessings, I have a circle of good friends that always stands beside me.  I have a car, I can afford living in a good apartment, I have a job.  OK, things are not happening well these days and sometimes I do tend to drift to the dark thoughts again but now I try to enjoy what I have.  I have to let go things that I cannot control and concentrate on the bright side that I still can control: my mindset.  

I try every morning by appreciating the sun shining and my plants are growing fine. It is not easy, after living for so long with a certain pattern, but it is the only way for recovery, to take myself easy.  And  believe that my life is not a failure, but I’m being tested for a being a better person.   

I am crawling and putting my pieces of shatterred life together but I know, with these little change of attitude seeing life, I will be able to be free from depression.  It really sucks when it hits me: lost appetite, just want to sleep, feeling left alone and deep sadness.  But what I really have to do is to focus on the bright side, not taking life too seriously and bless what I have and give myself a credit that I have achieved things in life.   

I hope whoever is out there sufferring the same thing and reading this blog can find it useful.  It is a rough road, I feel like I am crawling, but I know I’m crawling to the right direction.  And finally leave all those AD and enjoy life to the fullest.