Are You My Friends or My FOOD?

I used to be a vegetarian since 1994. Nothing with eyes. No dead meat in my fridge. Then in 1999, I compromised being a social seafood eater. My ex boyfriend had no respect to vegetarians (which ended up me having no respect for him). But I have to admit, living in Indonesia which comprises of thousands of islands, it is difficult to avoid seafood. It is tempting. Chilli crabs. Lobsters. Yum. Even going to Bandung, it is difficult to avoid the ikan gurame goreng kering or pepes ikan mas. Go to Ponyo at Puncak, eat at the bale bale and feel the breeze and the sundanese instruments, it feels like heaven on earth.

On the other hand, my last dive was to Raja Empat, Papua, in October 2006. I haven’t been diving since then and my next trip is scheduled on the second week of April, to Tulamben, Bali. I miss diving and seeing the creatures and taking pictures of them.

Tonight, I had dinner at the seafood restaurant at the Blue Sky Hotel, Balikpapan. It was a good seafood restaurant. I had tom yum soup, chilli crab, big shrimp with egg coated sauce. On the way out, there was aquariums with fishes and creatures in it. I told my boss that I will go and visit the aquarium. He said, “It’s good to keep distance though”. I smiled, but then I realized that he’s got a point there.

There were several aquariums in there. I saw slipper lobsters. Wow, they were cute, baby ones. It reminds me of my nightdives in Bunaken, seeing these lobsters walking on the walls of the rocks, while I light them with my torch. I saw big lobsters. It reminded me of my friend that took a picture of me and my friend watching lobsters in a small cave, where only our colourful fins were out from the cave. Groupers. Crabs. I saw morray eels, three of them in the glasses. Whenever I go diving, morray eels always makes me excited, with their mouth open and close feeding on plankton. And when they come out from the hole, it is always exciting to see their long body sway like a ribbon. The giant morrays, the honeycomb morrays, yellow ones, they never bore me. And they are always great photo object. Fierce eyes and jaws and teeth, cold eyes, yet beautiful at the same time. The Udang Ronggeng. Udang Api. Kerapu Tikus or spotted cod. Groupers. Then it struck me. Wow, what, THEY ARE ON MY MENU???

I looked at the red grouper’s eyes and they reminded me of my dog Atun’s eyes. Cute, innocent eyes, begging to be petted. It used to be that I play around with them in the ocean. Take pictures of them. Fascinated by them. Feeling peace by just watching them, swimming with them. And now, we are separated by this thin aquarium glass, where our status is so clearly different: I’m the predator, and you are my dinner. Oh gosh. Oh my. My boss was right.

Dillema here. I enjoy their company in the ocean, yet I eat them. While there are lots of other food that I can pick: tofu, morning glory, mushrooms, yet I chose chilli crab. I remember when I went diving to Papua, and my friend Lila always says, “I saw lobster, yum”, “I saw kerapu tikus, steam it, and yum”, which I commented, “Can you stop seeing things as food for a while???”. Then I remember my friends that tried the dogs in Menado. If I ever ate dog, my dogs will smell it and they will never, EVER forgive me.

Will those fishes and shrimps and lobsters know that I ate their friends and families? That they are in my blood system now? Will they hate me? I have to cleanse myself before diving in Bali…! I looked at the eyes of the red grouper again. He is waiting to be hugged. I feel like hugging him. Now I feel like throwing up.

I think I’m going to have a nightmare tonight. That red grouper, yelling at me, “OK you miss PADI Instructor, you eat us and now you want to be entertained by us? Taking our pictures? Peace underwater? Screw you!”. And the lobsters walking on my body with their antennas entering my ears and nostrils…and the shrimp and slipper lobsters hitting me, the fishes cursing me, the morray eels squeezing me with their slimy body…AAAARRRRGGGHHHH..!!! Please, I confess that I am bad!!!

I think I will be a vegetarian again. That red grouper’s eyes will keep haunting me if I eat his friends. (I do not despise any of you eating meat, but I curse you who consume sharks fin and turtles)