I’m 40, Single and Living in Jakarta (part 1)

Hurrraaaaah…..I will be 40 on December 22nd!  Instead of some people benchmark ‘40′ is old, I think ‘40′ is where people don’t get to tell us how to run our lives!  If ‘20′ is when people think they are a full grown up and know everything (while they mostly aren’t due to experience), and if ‘30′ is when people think that they are mature (and most of them should be!), to me, ‘40′ is when I feel that I am a grown up, I have been through a lot than other people, experienced and so damn mature!  It does sound snobbish, but it is the age where I can say, “Dad, I’m 40″, or “I’m 40 and I’m doing pretty well in life, but thanks for your life tips”.

When I was in my 20s I spent it mostly in school studying geology.  No money but happy.  Studied really hard.  Did silly stuff like keg stands. Tried things like played violin for free food in an Irish Pub.  A lot of times faced with making lifetime decisions, like staying in the US or come back home and find a job.  Finish my PhD or work. 

In my 30s, I went to work, went out at night, slept 3-4 hours and went back to the office.  Still partied and met lots of people.  Learned to dive and salsa.  Made big decisions like being married and got divorced.  Changed companies.  Read the Quran more to understand Islam.

This particular year, everything started to fall into places.  I don’t hang out too much during working days, the body cannot cope well with hang overs and I don’t think it’s worth it.  I don’t see too many new people (I wish I find more people), I don’t find places in Jakarta caters people like me (read this).  I take care of myself better and more careful (more boring, perhaps). I enjoy brief coffee with couple of friends at a coffee shop or have friends over for dinner or watch movies.  Or go travelling with other singles (this is a bit difficult to find…most singles have a busy, busy life, surprisingly!).  

Thank God, praise Allah, I’m healthy, physically, and mentally.  I feel comfortable with myself, I know better who I am, what makes me happy and what makes me sad.  I’ve always been lucky with jobs but this job I have is where I’ve wanted to be since I was a junior geologist.  Not too lucky in the romance department but I am really, really proud of how I deal with relationship and keeping it healthy. But the most important thing is, I’m happy with myself.  Not only because I’m physically fit and financially independant, but because I have reached a state of mind where I’m just simply happy with myself.  Compared to several years before, I keep blaming myself for not living to the common standards and not fulfilling the social requirements.  I can comfortably say, “No”, “I just don’t want to”, “I just don’t feel like it”, “Take it of leave it”.

Being single means gravity towards the equally single, may they be widower or divorced, or plain single.   I thought at first that there aren’t many singles in their late 30s here.  I want to talk with somebody who has reached the same phase in my life, at least, open minded.  It is so difficult to find new people,  but I’ve been bumping into single, late 30s people, some I knew from the past and few new ones.  Somehow, they started showing up. 

Two weeks ago, I had a big reunion of my highshool friends.  I met lots of friends, same age, some single, some married.  Some still haven’t changed and fun, some become more spiritual, some put some fat on them, some still slim and fit.  From doctors, businessmen/women, housewives, big shots in their companies, film stars, singers, all around 40.  When you are already 40, you are most likely to be at some stage in your work and career, right.  It was a happy event but one thing common that I can see is that almost everybody has gone through their own life problems.  You can just see it from their eyes and feel it when they talk.  All talked about “Gosh, we are 40, can you belive it?” lightly.  Of course, besides, “Hey, remember when we smoked pot there?” or “What, they got married at the end?!”.

And the singles gravitates towards one direction: to other singles.  For some reason, when I look at it, those around me are those who have similar way of thinking and interest.  Those who still like doing crazy things once in a while.  Those who go to the gym and into sports.  Free spirits, free thinkers, dare to be different.

Last night, I went to the gym with my gym buddy (single male, extremely well cut and sexy, 5 days younger than me, let’s say his name is Kerm), talked about girls and boys.  Then at dinner, another single friend of mine, Ayi, a widowed guy with two kids joined us.  All of us went to the same highschool 25 years ago and now we are regular gym visitors.  We talked and chatted about light things, and because Indra is the last in our group that turns 40, we plan to have a ’40s party’ at the end of the year.  Only for people who are 40 already.  We started listing who should attend.  When we looked at the list, almost all of them are single.  (Wow, surprising how lots of us got divorced, seriously).  And when a name popped up, I asked, “Is he still married?” and Ayi said, “Some people do still have spouse, unlike us, you know”.  Hmh…sounded like being single and 40 is completely normal!

While we walked back to our cars, Ayi kept chit chatting about a girl in his office, just like a teenager having a crush.  Kerm gave some comments while I just giggled and smiled.  Then Kerm said, “You know, if movies, there will be a shoot when we wear our highschool uniforms in black and white, talking about our exams and heart throbs, and laughing, and giggling….Then there will be a black screen with ‘20 Years later….’ on it, and ….nothing has changed!!!”  Then we laughed and hugged our shoulders.  Peterpan syndrome?  Ok, we are maybe now short sighted, maybe we do have wrinkles a bit around our eyes, and a little deposit of fat here and there where we are fighting to get rid off.  But really, nothing has changed, we are still having fun and kicking butt!

Age is just a number.  And when I look back, I don’t regret any single minute of it.