Kicking Depression with Exercise
Feels like years from the last article I wrote. It has been a hectic start of the year at work with the drilling programme. When drilling happens, our phones have to be on 24/7, especially when we are logging the important section. If lucky, logging happens during the day, on weekdays. My experience is, it happens during the weekends, or, during wierd hours. I spent valentine’s day, 00:00 am in the office, waiting for the main logs to come in! On top of that, I had to deal with non technical things (people-related issues), which is mentally tiring because this is a new field that I don’t master: dealing with people.
The stress at work doesn’t cease after the drilling ended as well. More deadlines for producing maps and next location to drill. Luckily, I managed to take care of my health quite well by watching my food intake and exercising regularly (thanks to Kerm!). However, as a person diagnosed to be a depression-prone person, no matter how I try I still have those days when I feel blue, or even pitch black. And the last 3 days was those days. If you suffer or have sufferred from depression, you know what I’m talking about: everything seems dark, fatigue, lost appetite, difficulty sleeping, lost interest in doing things once you enjoy, just low and feeling downward spiral.
I might be one of those who has chemical imbalances to start with. It could be hereditary, or I just happen to be that way. It could be that my serotonin level can go really low, especially when going through PMS (which is already gloomy for normal women, but with me, I can have all the symptoms of a clinically depressed person, including feeling suicidal), or if there is a trigger for it. The grey weather just makes it worse because I also have SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder). So here I am, sufferring insomnia again, feeling low and fatigue since Sunday. It just creeped into my life Sunday night, and awful feeling on Monday and the worst was this morning. I tried to think what triggerred it but I couldn’t pin it down, then realized that it was one of those days in the month. I do feel cranky, mood swings and yucky during my PMS, but this was the worst one that I could remember of: sleepless nights, sad, even suicidal (this surprised myself). I took my ‘magic pill’ subscribed by my shrink, didn’t work. I was even consuming Vitamin B, in which B5 was supposed to be one of the substance to reduce stress. I take Omega-3, which has DHA, which is said to improve mood disorders. So, after all these healthy stuff I’ve been taking, why am I still getting sucked into this dark hole? I was desperate, cried in the office, feeling, “Oh no, not again…”. And the worse thing is, I don’t dare tell anybody about my condition. Useless, because not everybody understands depression. Usually it even cause more depression because they say the wrong things (not intentionally, but I don’t really need it).
I decided to leave the office early to visit my shrink, trying to figure out what is actually going on with me. It is a painful situation. Why do I feel like this over and over again? I am off anti-depressant for about a year now and the thought of taking Zoloft again really drops my spirit. It was already 3:30 pm and I was still stuck in the traffic, while my appointment was on 3:00 pm and Wednesday is my gym day. I almost text Kerm to tell him that I skip gym, but I still have the last hope: maybe after exercising I will feel better. I was literally dragging myself to the gym.
Running has always been my stress relief (including running from reality!). After 30 minutes of cardio exercise, I found myself sweating like a pig and felt much better (after my nasal operation 10 days ago, it has been tough doing my regular weights and cardio, terrible anasthetics). I continued with my weights, adding more weights than usual and pushing myself to the limit. And after finishing the sets, I felt great; like sense of accomplishment. Having a buddy like Kerm helps because he gives me the support, like, “C’mon…two more to go…”. Feeling the muscles at work gives a nice feeling. And during my exercise, I was able to smile again.
On top of that, Ayi showed up and joined the weights, so we chatted in between sets. The more the merrier is correct. After that good, fulfilling exercise, we went to have dinner. With Ayi joining, the dinner became alive with laughter and silly stories (with the main star: me). I told Kerm that I feel much, much better.
It could be the endorphine released from my body. Or the dopamine, due to several accomplishments in the gym. In here it says that exercising can help people with depression, I hope this can help other people like me. Lucky me, I have always been exercising regularly and have a buddy to motivate me. And on my way back home, I found out the trigger: that stupid paper that I have to submit this month, which is not even close to finished, on top of the hectic daily work. Just the pressure that I can live without. I forgot that it has been a rough month at work, nasal operation and my vacation to Phuket has been cancelled (and I really, really need a break, it has been a mentally stressful month).
Well, those endorphine and dopamine is released occasionally and I believe that I am still a depression-prone person. I managed to avoid any situation that will cause me depressed and managed to accept my condition and work around it. I still have to solve why I still have the blues with restless nights, physically and spiritually. But after exercising, half of my depression problem has been solved. I was able to smile driving back home.
Today’s keyword: rigorous exercise, motivation and hard will, good friends. And, of course, I kept praying so I was able to survive the dark days. And it was answered.
March 6, 2008 at 1:01 am
Hi Parvita
In my experience logging tools do not work in daylight hehe. And usually the start of the logging program happens to coincide with the senior company man going to bed. I’m sure you are aware that most logs can be transmitted direct to a secure website so you don’t even have to get out of bed to receive the data anymore.
March 6, 2008 at 5:28 am
Hi pj_bali, that is the theory. But usually us in the oil companies would like to know the results directly, ASAP. Usually after the combo we run the pressure tools, in which we have to pick the points and quickly give it to the rig. Including petrophysical analysis. We can do real time and I could’ve checked it from home but my home has dial up connection and it is damn too slow to see all of it. Mudlog, I can wait. Not wireline tools, we are too curious to know what’s in the ground! But this is not about drilling, this article is about exercising.
March 9, 2008 at 12:19 am
Mbak Vit, finally something new, been waiting for your new posting..
Kerm seems to be the perfect picture of your soul mate, yes you are damn so lucky to have good friend(s) in your life. I never have severe depression but I got one moment in my life where I thought it would be easier if I could just end my life right now, at this spot, thinking few ways to do it without feeling any pain. But thank God, I didn’t do it. Am not a gym or sport person, maybe I should start thinking and do it.
March 9, 2008 at 8:18 am
@Lewi: thanks, it has been a while, true! First of all, I do feel blessed that I have good friends that I can learn from.
Whoooohoooooowwww….if he reads this he will surely freak out! But, yes, he is a dear friend who is very health conscious. I don’t think he knows about my condition, but the point is, having a buddy to go to the gym makes me easier to drag myself to go to the gym. Same with my other friend, when he text me, “Are you going to the gym later?”, then I get back my motivation to go to the gym.
There are lots of sites that shows that a little as a simple walk can cheer up your mood. Tough there is not many places to go for a walk in Jakarta, but even walking around the neighbourhood can help lift your mood up. And during the low times, eating well and having enough rest is definetely helpful. Cheers.
April 1, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Adding this: yesterday I was totally difficult to get out of bed. Then a good friend kicked my ass off the bed, forced me to exercise (while I was indulging my pain) and told me to do heavy weight lifting and I concentrated on my anger. Amazingly, I was able to picture all the anger and focus it to become energy to lift all those weights. OK, so I did swear while lifting the weights. Pig, bastard, shit, f&*K, etc. All the things I wanted to say to whatever or whoever that cause me pain and stress.
And I felt much better. Much, much better. Thanks to Dave and Kerm.
April 26, 2008 at 12:12 am
Parvita,
Some of the most admired people in history suffered depression so it is a well worn track. It is simply a chemical imbalance. Anti depressants simply minimize the imbalance. Thats all. The illness is in the head, so its called a mental illness. There is a stigma attached to having a mental illness, like it or not. People associate mental illness with being crazy or lacking courage or toughness or something like that. People do not like to think that they have a mental illness. After all, crazy people have mental illness, dont they? At the end of a temporary treatment with anti-depressants, a person can feel that they no longer suffer a mental illness. Therefore they no longer feel a self-stigma. Many people with depression need to take them for life. This is a huge step as those persons have to come to terms with the idea that they permanently suffer a mental illness requiring permanent treatment. But the fact is that if you need, in future, to take anti-depressants permanently, then you will benefit. You will be less prone to anxiety. And, after exercise, you will feel even better. So I suggest that you give your attitude about anti-depressants a tune-up. To do that, you would need to recognize the benefit in life they bring. It is possible that your self-expectations may not allow you to lift the thought that only less-than-good-enough people suffer mental illness. It is possible that your self-expectations would not allow the situation that you be less-than-good-enough. However, if you look at the people who have suffered depression, you will find that you are, indeed, in distinguished company. On a lighter side, if the thought of taking anti-depressants makes you feel down - take another one.