Expat Marriages: difficult to survive in Jakarta?

An old friend from work, Dale, called me several days ago, letting me know that he is back in Jakarta after taking care of his divorce from his wife.  He works in a rotating job, a month on (working in Jakarta) and a month off (home to Australia).  I don’t know how long the marriage survived, but I know he has a teenage son.  His wife was Australian.  Apparently, the wife caught him in Jakarta, in the apartment with an Indonesian woman.

We exchanged news and gossips until he mentioned another name of our colleague who is living separately from his wife at present.  He is now somewhere in Vietnam, living together with his personal trainer (who apparently has become very personal!), an Indonesian woman.  Several years ago, another friend of mine from South America got divorced from his beautiful latino wife, because he just couldn’t resist an Indonesian women.  My comment was, “Wow, now we are all full team, back in Southeast Asia and all single!” (I was married to an Indonesian though).  Dale’s comment was, “Well, it is hard to survive your marriage once you lived in Jakarta”.

Interesting comment.  Is Indonesian women really irresistable?  Are Indonesian women really that attractive that one is willing to sacrifice his marriage? Moreover, these expats mostly have no intention to marry those women. Before that, you might want to read some blogs about Indonesian Expats and the Indonesian women dating Expats are always a great topic in lots of blogs.  Like in
Indonesia Matters, and also in here, a bit braver comment here and much more.

What attracts expats, especially Caucasian expats, to Indonesian women? And usually there is a stereotype of women who are more preferred by “bule” (white expats) which you can read it here (pembantu=maids). One thing that I can understand is that for expats, Indonesian women are exotic and attractive. The tanned skin, black hair and generally smaller and slimmer than Caucasian women who they say are huge and big. Other comments that I have heard from my expat friends are that Indonesian women are friendly and warm. Another one is, easier to maintain, not as bitchy or demanding. My observation is that most of the expats go for girls who are usually not considered attractive by Indonesian men (Indonesian men prefer light skinned and ‘mix bread’ look, generally). This is where the jargon, “selera bule” (bule’ taste) is described. Most of the expats that I see go for these types are Australians, Americans and some British men, seldom mediterranian guys. But this probably has to do with the statistics of how many of them are living here.

How about the Indonesian women, how do they see expats? Some of my friends declare that they don’t want to date Indonesians plainly because Indonesian men are too demanding, less open minded and less outgoing. Most of these category are those who usually have lived abroad for their education. Unfortunately, seldom bules are after these women, probably because they are already ‘westernized’ and have good jobs and/or career. My observation is that lots of Indonesian women see expats as never-ending income source. There are lots of stories that my expat friends sometimes complain about their Indonesian girlfriends, who keeps asking for money, for example, I can even tell that they are being ripped off by the nonsense story their girlfriend tells them. And when I ask where they met this girl, it is usually in the bars, the bars that most expats hang out, like BATS, Bugils, bars along Blok M, Tigapuluh. And usually, the education level of these girls are highschool at the most, most never graduated from one of the best universities.

There is also what is called ‘ayam’ (chicks, in a notorious way), which means Indonesian girls who are basically gold diggers and they have the ‘pembantu look’. If one girl has already hooked up with an expat, the next gathering this girl will bring her friends and the friends will try to hook up with the expat’s friends in the bar. And they can get pretty agressive, one group and another can be quite competitive. It is like mafia on targeting expats, I am impressed.

And why do the expats love Jakarta so much? Because, like Dale said, in his country (Australia), he is invisible. But in here, he feels handsome. All women throwing themselved to him and makes him think like God’s gift to women. The women are so friendly, but also quite agressive. If you are a nerd back in your country, and all of a sudden you get lots of attention here, it is only human that you will like this place. But I remember several occasion when my expat friends from work dragged me to places so that I can be their “chicken repellant”.

I think everywhere in this world there is a phenomena like this, especially in poor countries. It is the economic law, supply and demand. Expats is imaged to have lots of money, the girls are after it. Expats can buy the relationship, while the girls are making a better living.

Of course this is a general view. I do have highly respected friends who are well educated and have her own career who is happily married with expats. But none of them, as far as I know, dated someone’s husband, or expect to have better living (because they can support themselves well enough). Usually they still work after they live together, while in the other case, the girls usually quit working although they are still not married. But for some reason (i.e. persuasive skill), they can really make their boyfriends pour money to them.

I am just wondering, how powerful these Indonesian women are that can make an expat leave their wives of many years. If you argue that this also happens to Indonesian men, of course it does, and maybe the marriage was already in a bad state, but when it happens to expats, it is like a sore thumb and it is eye catching. And Indonesian men usually leaves for the younger and better looks. Of course, I also know expats who are happily married with and highly educated Indonesian woman and they are so much in love. Or, expat couples who are still together and have a strong marriage. And I have enough people that I know where their marriage was ok until they met someone at the bar, Indonesian girl, then start having an affair, lucky if not get caught, be her sugar daddy, and if got caught, usually end up with divorce. And not seldom that I here from expat wives who reminds other wives to watch out in Jakarta, because you may lose your husbands to Indonesian girls. As an Indonesian woman, who works with their husbands, I do feel uncomfortable with this reminder, but i have to admit that there is a truth in it.

Especially when the guy is old enough to be their father. And the comment Dale gave me, “Once you are in Jakarta, it is very tough to survive when it comes to girls”, really tickles my mind. Are Indonesian women really that powerful? Or, heartless? Because, some of the expats wives became my friends and it is sad to see them in pain, and it is sad to see a marriage, any marriage, broken up for something that a man cannot control, or, if I may say, fatamorgana. And if it is the Indonesian girls to blame, really, are they really THAT powerful?