Brain dead…lost inspiration, lost in the city…

I realized I haven’t blogged for a month now.  I just simply don’t know what to write.  I don’t have any inspiration.  There are three articles waiting for me to finish, but I don’t have the time to do research.  Have you ever felt that you are just so soaked into the live of big cities where you just don’t have the time to think (for those who have a similar busy brain like me, it is really odd).

I started to analyze myself, what happened to my life?  Work, yep, that is number one to blame.  Work has been on crazy mode since the start of the year.  Drilling preparation, drilling itself, meetings.  Three times a week, go to the gym.  Weekends, running errands and last weekend was blinding myself with Sex and the City (the only series that I can relate to).  Watching Carrie Bradshaw having time to think and write makes me remember this blog.  What have I done to my brain?  It is scary when you start to stop thinking and wondering.  Or, there are just simply nothing to write about?  Well, diving in Nusa Penida 4 months ago was fun, how come I haven’t written all about it like usual?

I guess it is easy to get lost in the daily activities.  And easy to just concentrate on yourself, as if there is nothing else is happening around you.  My friend told me that my life became dull now, I need to get out and meet more people, and do more activities..  But where?  I don’t go out.  Nightlife is one of those things that I sort of not enjoy too much because I just hate the headache and just can’t stay up late anymore.  There hasn’t been parties where I can meet decent new people from my friends.  And I developed a phobia in crowds; last time I went grocery shopping at the wrong time and I felt like yelling and fainting. I don’t even get together with lots of my friends lately!  Too tired to continue doing anything after work.  Except for gym, which is a must.  Same ol’ people and crowd, same ol’ discussion about each others body.  Much better laying in bed and read a good book.

And…the brain became not busy anymore.  Gosh, this is going from bad to worse. 

I have to admit that there has been episodes of depression and panic attacks during the last two months, which made me have to concentrate on my well being.  My current job, my relationships, and what other things, I don’t really know.  It has been mostly research on depression, the relationship between depression and the pills I’m taking, so to make it short, all my thoughts are mostly concentrated onto myself. 

Until, my maid asked me last night, “Kak, why do you care so much about me, my sister and my mom?”.  I looked at her with a wierd look, I suppose.  I just gave her sister money because she is getting married.  Yes, I do care about Al, my assistant, who puts all the medicines in my medicine box in the mornings, make me food, cleans my house and take care of my dogs.  Yes, I treat her like my own sister, and she is always besides me when I am sick.  How could somebody ask that question?  How could someone still feel loved and care, by a person who is so busy into herself?  My tears ran down my cheeks while I tell her, “Just thank God that I am trusted to take care of you”. 

All of a sudden, I realize that I am not alone.  And there is a purpose for me to be here, not only to muddle around my own life, but to also think about other lives and learn from them.  Put more attention to the small things that happens daily and feel blessed and learn from it.  Read.  Iqra, doesn’t mean only literally read, but read from your surroundings, from what is happening.  So that we don’t live like robots.

I won’t let my routinity and big city life kill my brain cells.  I won’t let the metropolitant Jakarta sink me into depression and self-centered mode.  I don’t want Jakarta and my surroundings make me lose my soul.  But I need some restful time first, to recharge my brain.

I need some days off, just not doing anything, at home, with my lovely dogs.  Just do nothing besides read, think, watch TV, and coffee at Coffee Bean looking at people passing by.

So, friends, sorry for not writing.  I am trying to find myself back and I’m still in the middle of a forest.  I’ll be back.