The point of living
Being mentally vulnerable and building my self esteem back, a so-called friend of mine just crushed my self esteem by judging and criticiazing,which is not in line with my therapy at all. I have to recollect the pieces of my life starting from square one to be able to come back strong and sound again. Damn himl
It’s wierd. Why are even years is a miserable year for me? Is it just a coincident?
I admit that I am depressed and angry at the moment. And here is what I see: dark wall in front of me that never allows me to break it down. A tunnel with no light at the end. And that’s when the suicidal attempt is usually done. Overdosed tonight with the aim to not wake up in the morning. Luckily my maid was quicker to save all the sleeping pills.
My life has been relatively healthy (besides the cigs). I go to the gym regularly, tone myself up. I eat healthily, take supplements like Vitamins everyday. I have a healthy body. But at this point, I am only going to lengthen my life, which looks so grim at the moment. But what’s the point, it will just make you live longer with the poor quality of life. What is the point if I still cannot enjoy due to my imbalances?
Some said they envy my lilfe. Financially independant, interesting, attractive, whatever. I don’t feel that it is necessary. I don’t know what those all means, what benefit it gives me, without a healthy mental. At the moment, I bet nobody wants to be in my shoes.
Remember, in every birthday, you get the wish, ‘long live’. What is the point of living if you cannot see the bright? What is the point of living healthily is all it does is extend the pain? If you have children, you have a point to live. If you are single and has little social life, plus people that you care about keep analyzing and judging you, plus in the middle of being vulnerable and building up your self esteem someone just chew it and you have to recollect your pieces. That is what I am doing everyday: just live and hope the night comes early. Sleep is my escape.
If in 2006 my life was shatterred and went through depression, this year it is pretty much the same shit different every other year. I am honestly tired of this depression. And it is not helping when someone you rely as a friend keep poking my depression. Have nobody to talk to besides my shirnk.
So what is the point of going to the gym to look good? What is the point if I am just exending the contract with the beast.
So what is about nice body and such, medicine to make you fell younger. But at the end of the day, I realize that love is why we do thinks. People hope to live another 100 years (not me, 6-65 WOULD BE A GOOD age to depart). So why are we obsessed with how we look and how other people look at you.
The question is, do you really want to live longer?
(The sleeping pills started to kick in (was so depressed I took too much of the normal doze).
If there isn’t love, there is no point living. The two dogs, Samba dn Atun are those who prevent me to do kill myself. I love them dearly. Who will take care of them later?
People can say cliche’ words. None gets into my head. “Look at yourself”. ‘Bless what you have”. You are smart, attractive independant bla bla bla. It doesn’ mean a thing to me. I threw stuff to the person that said that and he left my house.
I think love is one word that can answer I am I still alive. I believe that after every sorrow, there will be a sunshine. For those who are patient. If you have some place to spread your life, do it.
For now, I should be in bed, over dosed on the sleeping pills a bit and now I am ready for the la la land…(this must be a boring site)
I don’t think I can survive this one. And I’m begining get frustrate. Self blaming. Day by day is like a routine. Hallucination. I am building up my self esteem. Slowly. I am at the lowest point and the only way is up. I will be up again, even if I have to crawl to get there. If you want to be my friend, take me as I am. Support me. Don’t criticize me too much.
And I’m glad I still have friends like that. That is the kind of love that I need.
June 27, 2008 at 11:53 pm
because of love, life is worth to live for. to love and to receive love…
are you looking for that love?
June 28, 2008 at 7:42 am
@qiu: Everybody is looking for love and everybody has a portion of love within themselves, waiting to be revealed. Love keeps the world go around. And, yes, I am looking for that love, (doesn’t everybody?)not exactly looking, but waiting to express that love and pour it to the place worth receiving.
June 28, 2008 at 8:58 pm
For me Parvita, the reason why I wanted to live longer (and not wish death) is because I felt that I’m not ready for Judgment Day. I have yet to collect enough ‘provisions’ for the afterlife and yet to feel that I can be accountable for what I’ve done in my life towards Allah SWT in yaumul hisab. That’s why I can only hope that He may let me live longer in this world, so I might become wiser and do more good deeds and perform other acts of faith before He ultimately summons me.
Love can help us get through, but IMHO faith and finding the true purpose of life will further give comfort and guidance in our troubled times. In times like these I can feel that worldly matters (career, degree, possessions etc) are pointless and nothing more than a mirage. Hang in there, Parvita!
June 28, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Parvita; This is a very disturbing post, not least because of the dark mentions of suicide.
A couple of thoughts for the busy brain;
1. You talk about the need for love. Then love yourself. Be your best ffiend and forgive yourself before anyone else does.
2. Whats the point to life? Moat of us are alive because our parents were randy young adults once. You are not going to be handed a point to your life. You have to make that yourself. You make no mention of any voluntary work for anyone else. I mostly seem to read about gym, work, dogs, diving, coffee, friends, driving, traffic and home. You might consider reaching out and doing something for others less well off than yourself.
3. Allah created us. His reasons for doing so are a bit obscure and the Qu’ran does not actually say much about why he did that, if memory serves well.
4. You have been unlucky in love. That does not mean that you always will. Doa may help.
5. Remember Fatihah; “You alone do we worship, you alone do we ask for help” – ask his help.
6. Allah will not set you a test that is beyond your strength. You have strength that you haven’t used yet – I know that. Don’t respond saying that I don’t know you so how can I write that?
7. Make a change? You in oil industry yes? Isnt oil $130 a barrel (how many litres in a barrel? And what sort of barrel? Is this one of those steel drums known a 44 gallon drums?) So go work someplace else that’s got oil. It seems to me that you are fundamentally unhappy and the easiest thing to change is your job, right now.
8. Life does have ups and downs. Have confidence in yourself and Allah and understand that your life will turn upwards, not necessarily right now.
9.. Submit yourself to Allahs will, with humility. Stop arguing with Allahs religion in its current form (e.g. your attitude on Hadith). It is the best that humanity has been able to do with Allahs word. And He has promised to keep it protected.
I dare you to do something you don’t want to do.
The aim of the dare is simply to;
1. Get you to move outside your normal thought boundaries, and,
2. Get you to feel acceptance rather than the stress of fighting against your world
It will cure nothing. But it will get you feeling differently.
I will tell you the dare after you accept it, by reply posting to this place.
P.S. The dare is not; illegal, improper, immoral, humiliating, sexual. It is simple, cheap and local. It involves no other people and you can do this at your leisure. It is not difficult, physically, emotionally or pyscologically demanding. It involves nothing that exposes you to any risk, danger. You do not need to contact anyone, call anyone or meet anyone. Noone will contact you or give instructions by any means. It is simple and harmless. It involve no medecines, hypnosis or any mind altering state. You don’t have to eat spiders ;<)
The only reason that you would refuse is because you just “don’t want to”. There can be no other possible grounds. It cannot possibly offend.
How brave are you?
Over to you
June 29, 2008 at 8:39 am
Hey Parvita…
I guess telling you to get happy is a little easier than actually getting there.
Forget the haters, the critics, and those that want to bring you down to their levels of misery.
This post is a disturbing one for the reasons an earlier commentator stated. The reason to pull back and not to end it all is that there is always a better day just around the corner, we have to believe that, we have to hope!
The things that you are looking for and the things that you need to find are there. You will have to stay alive to get there and to find them.
You really have to start loving yourself. You really have to believe you are worthy and that you deserve to be in this big wide world of ours. Live life large or as the Vulcan’s would say live long and prosper.
Simply, the longer you live the more prosperous the life. Do not give into the temptation to pull the plug on this life. The world would be a poorer place!
June 29, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Thanks for the uplifting posts. Though some sounds like a lecture to me and difficult to digest, believe me, I’m working on it.
@Kindred: I don’t boast and tell people about how much I spend for the those who need help. I believe that what the right hand does, the left hand doesn’t need to know. And it is nice to be able to help others, by sparing some times lending your ear, or help, that I agree. I don’t see your point mentioning about the price of oil, it definetely does not affect me salarywise.
Longer life does not mean prosperous life. Shorter life if filled with many good deeds are much better. It is just sometimes hard very hard, and I don’t expect you to know the situation that triggerred me to plan to not wake up in the morning. People telling bullshits, trying to lecture me with flying sentences, crap.
Believe me, suicidal thought is always in my head. Part of my depression that I’m dealing with. Once in a while it comes. But I don’t have the guts to do it simply because I don’t know where I’m going in the next life.
And simply because there are still my dogs, my friends that cares and I’m slowly building up my self confidence. And Kindred, you hit the nail on the head: forgiving myself. Started doing that already.
Thanks for the responses, I appreciate your time to keep me hanging on to life. Sincerely.
June 30, 2008 at 1:14 am
No lecture intended and my apologies if it seemed as such.
You know better than me where you are at. Besides you have dogs so you have something to live for
June 30, 2008 at 9:04 am
@Rob: not addressing it to you in particular. Lots of people do not understand depression until they suffer from it. I see it as a dark corner where I sit there holding my knees together. It is a bothering sight.
So far what I am proud of what I can do in this vulnerable situation is stabilize myself (i.e. getting help from the professional) and learn to accept that one day it will be better and one day I will get a grip of myself again like before. At least everytime I drive to the office I still see the sun smiling at me and that is the sign that God still loves me and care for me.
June 30, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Winston Churchill used to call depression “The black dog” following him.
It is impossible to play football properly with a broken foot. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The brain is “broken”. It is impossible to think properly with a broken brain. If the body organ that causes thought malfunctions, then the thoughts produced are below normal standard. When the chemical imbalance is repaired, then, like the broken foot, the organ can resume normal service.
You actually did not lose a “grip on myself”. It was taken away by an illness. The organ that controls you was broken, like a broken foot.
Frankly, I would rather have a broken foot than depression any day.
I have suffered from depression for 20 years and been on permanent daily medication for 10 years. I have no idea why I caught depression in the first place.
Being on that medication improved my personal and professional life to levels better than they were before I caught depression!
The misery of my time with undiagnosed depression and before the medication became effective is still in my memory, hence my previous posts related to depression were encouraging medication.
I find that things like the “3 mins to cure depression” are dangerous. My US compatriots love these sort of deals e.g. “How to be a millionaire in 3 months”.
They are dangerous because they lead to unrealistic expectations. Then, when inevitably these things do not work in 3 minutes (or ever) for a genuinely clinically depressed person, they feel even more inadequate and anxious.
Parvita, I probably was a little lecturing. Apologies. As a veteran member of this not very exclusive club, maybe I should know better.
Depression is not something that a person needs to feel responsible for catching.
I did not choose to become depressed. Neither did you
I did not take deliberate steps to become depressed. Neither did you.
How I caught this illness is unknown.
A bit like catching a cold?
Or breaking a foot?
All the best for your treatment and future.
After your brain resumes normal service, there is still a need to have Allahs help with the ordinary trials of life. After all, He made us. If we don’t ask help from our Maker, then its like taking a Mercedes to a Proton dealer for repair, or, getting your broken foot fixed by a Dentist.
June 30, 2008 at 10:04 pm
@Kindred: depression is not a broken brain. It is a chemical imbalance which has to do with the serotonin, enzym and nerve system. Whether it is triggerred by the circumstances or you are just born with low threshold in handling the environment, it is still a debate. Asking help for God, of course. If God open the way for me to cope with it by introducing me for medication, that is my way and it is not against my belief.
To me, depression is like a dark corner where I just hug my knees in the dark. And during that time, all is dark. Whatever other people say can be a trigger that makes things worse. Let the pro handle it.
Read my latest post on what to do and not to do to a depressed person.