Denial: opposite point of view in living in denial

Had a bad day.  The wound from my loss has not been recovered, and things in the office wasn’t helping.  It felt like two of my important things in life has gone down the sink at the same time.  Relationship and work.  It was a dark Friday afternoon, I almost cancelled my dinner with my friend who flew in from Makassar that day.  I was down, I was crying and in the mood of just cuddling my pillow with my dogs.  But then I thought it’s much better seeing David, have couple of drinks and dinner but no wild parties, no dancing.

When David comes to Jakarta, his office is on the same floor as mine.  So, being both a passionate diver, whenever we meet we will show off our underwater pictures and movies during lunch.  We also talk about work a bit, how we like our jobs, how busy it is, etc.  So that afternoon around 5:00 pm, we left the building, heading to Kemang for beer and dinner.   In the car, we talked about how our day went, and I told him how my brain and my heart is not syncronized at the moment and it hurts big time.  So here comes an interesting point that he raised, “If one could live in denial, why not use it in a positive way?”.

His example was, abused wives, abused girlfriends.  “They are living in denial.  That one day their partners will change, their partners love them, that’s why they still stick together and they survive”, he said.  More to it, he said, ” If you can live in denial like that, might as well put a positive denial.  For example, if you broke up with your boyfriend, tell yourself something positive.  No matter what your heart says, which is, ‘I still love you’, but tell yourself that you are happy living by yourself, with your dogs.  Or tell yourself, ‘Gosh I’m lucky now I don’t have to deal with his feelings, I can travel anywhere I want to , cry if I want to without thinking about his feelings’ “.   Hmh.  Sounds difficult.  That’s an unique way to think about denial.

Denial has been the form of protection and shield for us to survive this world.  Nobody is not in denial.  Everybody lives in denial.  My nextdoor neighbour’s girlfriend has been dating, basically living together, with my neighbour for almost 10 years. I’m sure she knows that he is not faithful (I’ve seen other girls stay there when the g/f is out of town) from what I see.  She must have senses something, yet she is still going to marry him.  My ex-husband denied that we had problem in our marriage and refused to talk about it and say “Everything is fine, you are the one that has problems’.  How can you say we have no problems, when we are married and not having sex?   My parents believe that my brother is completely straight, while I know he is not.  Everybody has their little secret or something; they just couldn’t face the truth because it is too painful.

So, I gave it a thought.  In one side, a friend of mine told me to just go through the pain, if you love him keep loving him but in a different form…did that but it’s  so difficult, undoable, although noble.  Because I am the kind that expresses my feelings, which I can’t.  This feeling drills my heart for how long…?   3 months?  3 years? That is too long for me.  I’m on the fast lane, need to get through it fast.

I cry everyday a little to let out the feelings that cannot be expressed.  I miss his appearance, jokes, attention and him being in my house, stroking my dogs.  But he is gone forever, gone from earth.  I look at my empty bed on Saturday mornings and it is still empty.  Usually, somebody is sleeping there.  Sigh.  Every corner of my house, he was there.  And in every corner of my heart.

But this ‘reverse’ denial seems to work.  I keep telling myself that I am happy by myself.  I am strong (though I cry a little everyday).  I am happy, I have all that I need, I am healthy.  I have my two dogs and a great assistant living with me.  Even though the truth is I miss him, I keep telling myself that I am happy living by myself, just like before I met him.  The fact is, sometimes I feel lonely and miss him.

And the key to really be happy, is to be thankful to the Al Mighty.  As long as the sun is still shining, you are being given life and chance to improve your life.  And have faith that he is not doing this just for fun.  There is a purpose.  I am being prepared for something bigger to get to the next ‘level’.  Patience.

Couple of beers, satays and quesadillas later, after we laughed we had enough of catching up and around 10:30 pm, Dave and I got tired and left Tabac, the new hip place in town in Kemang.  With Dave’s suggestion in my mind.  Reversed Self Denial.  I think it will work for a while.  Until I am ready to face the reality.  And, “I am happy living by myself” is quite a decent statement or “meditation”.  One should be happy with themselves and responsible for their own happiness.  And with that in mind, I walked into my bedroom, where my cute dogs are already waiting for me and told myself, “I am happy living with you guys, I don’t need anything else for the moment, Darlings”.

 

(ps: but one morning I let go of all the denials and did a confession to myself.  It is painful and I cried for hours.  After that, I felt only a bit better.  At least I know myself and I realize that I am in pain, but I’m holding on).