This is how Depression feels like
You cannot run away from me
Sometimes it just hits me. Sometimes I know it’s coming. Then I tell mysef, “Oh no, it is coming”. It feels like as if there is a big devil coming to hug you, saying, “You cannot hide from me. Come with me, no need to fight. You will just get tired”.
And he comes and open his arm, plant his fingernails on your back and squeeze me to his chest and suck all you energy.
All dark, all painful, and the devil’s chest has a deep black hole inside it which sucks me very deep no matter how I reach out and stretch my arms, nobody can reach me. I cry for help but I don’t know to whom, yet afraid my cries will make them even leave me. So I just shut myself, feeling unworthy, keeping in silence and let myself sink into the devil’s chest. Suffocated, tearful, powerless.
Until I reach the bottom of the devil’s core. Dark, nothing to see. All I can repeat is, I’m bad, I am screwed up, why am I here again, I am cursed. I’m not good at anything. I am the master of screw up. I am not good at work. I hope I don’t have to wake up.
So painful I don’t even know why it is here again. Maybe something that accumulated. I don’t know. As far as I can remember, I only have 3 months in every year where I feel content. The rest if depressed and healing. If God only allows me to be happy 3 months a year, then I will have to just accept it as my faith. Maybe some people are born with some hormone deficiency that cause them depressed from time to time.
This is how I feel when it comes
And I will dwell in the bottom of it, in the dark, hugging my knees, alone. Horizontal, losing any interest, just want to lie down, feeling down. Echo in my ears repeating I’m not worth it, I’m a loser, I wish I could end it.
I want to shout, “help me!” but my voice won’t come out. I don’t know to whom and afraid they will reject me anyways. They try, but then get frustrated. I sometimes even push people away so that they don’t have to feel miserable. The thing is, I don’t want to be like this. It is not my choice. I just have those days where I am at the bottom. Those days where nothing can get me out of the hole. Even daily life is an effort. Lost appetite, lose interest and self esteem. Cannot see the future, slow in any reaction.
Depression. Tell you what, it is not a nice place to be. But maybe it is what I have to live with. So when it comes, I’ll just close my eyes, lie down, and hoping something will find the black hole and give a little light. I still don’t know precisely what invites the devil.
May 18, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I am sorry you feel this way, remember the abyss is temporary. Your writing is beautiful and expressive. This is the most accurate description of depression I have ever read. I too am wondering what precisely invites the devil? However I have a different kind of faith to get me through, and thank God. He is the only one to keep me from drowning in my own sorrows.. You attitude is hopeful, I like it.
May 18, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Hi Whisper, thank you. Some says that it just comes. I’m sure there must be a cause but it is difficult to pin it down; is it my body or is it external or both? And why does it come over and over again?
May 19, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Hmm… I wish I know the answer
there used to be times when I felt really low and wishing death to come upon me, but I’m not sure whether that can be categorised as being depressed. I know that I felt very down and unworthy a lot when I was unemployed. Sometimes cruelty towards the world and animals in general can also make me feel very depressed and seeing no absolute point in living whatsoever.
Don’t the dogs help, though? Maybe it’s good also to talk it out. I’m here if you need to have a chat
May 19, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Parvita, I’m sorry to hear that.
I could understand why it’s unbearable, but after “He” passed away, have you find somebody else ?
I’ve read several books of Dr Brian Weiss, he’s a psychiatric, maybe you can find his student and help you to over come the depression.
Have you tried yoga and meditation ? I’ve been in the level of stress where the stress destroyed my health and took me 6 months to recover. The recovery not from medicine but through yoga and meditation.
My teacher give yoga training at Anahata Welness, FX centre.
If you’d like to try, pls go there and ask for Arief
Be strong Parvita .. be strong …:-)
May 20, 2009 at 8:09 am
Tere616 and Therry, thanks for the tips. If I knew the cause, it would make me easier to fix it or avoid it. The more I try to figure out why I feel this way, the more I think that I am a freak or a loser! So, I just lay in bed and not do anything. Sleep, if I can. When a friend tried to figure out what caused it and it just didn’t fit in with any event, he got confused and I got frustrated.
Sometimes I can relate it to my menstruation cycle. It feels yucky but at least I know and expect to feel blah at that time. Sometimes it doesn’t come.
Yes, the dogs help me go through it, although I’m sure Aba and Atun knows that something is not quite right. Yoga, tried it, couldn’t get my mind focused. Maybe didn’t try hard enough. Good friends definitely help. Put it this way, knowing that there is someone or people that will not leave me because of this craziness, helps.
So, I guess I just have to accept that I have some wierd thing going on with my system, accept that I will suffer from time to time.
May 21, 2009 at 9:47 pm
hi parvita…
your post sounds like…ehm, a song from a hardcore-blackmetal band
okay, I am just kidding
May 23, 2009 at 9:54 pm
I think, it’s all in your mind…
The better medicine is perhaps: Encouragement. To focus more on your strength (or your positive sides). And NOT to fight or to fix your mistakes.
You are not a freak. Nor are you a loser. You’ve been doing very well with your job and your hobby (I enjoyed your diving pics and stories!). They are extremely good compared to your depressing side. You’ve got two extreme sides. Try to rather find the golden middle.
Try to accept yourself the way you are. Try to love yourself the way you are. If the depressing thought is coming again, try to accept it. NOT to fight it. It’ll go away, whilst you do things you enjoy (be it sports or just a little walk or a sleep or a cry). The more you fight it, the bigger it will get.
I might have no idea about your depression, but I just want to help.
May 24, 2009 at 9:13 am
@MIND: thank you for stopping by and spending time to write. I have stopped fighting and reasoning about it. Too tiring. A little walk is a good idea. But one thing you should know is, it takes so much effort to do anything. Last week it took me from 8am to 4pm to move myself to do the groceries and I wouldn’t have done it if not for the maid pointing out there is nothing in the fridge. The other time, a friend forced himself to drag me to take a walk. But you are right, if I’m mildly depressed, I usually run.
And, some days, it is fine. I just feel ok and get things done normally.
May 24, 2009 at 4:57 am
По моему Вам нужно чаще отдыхать, очень уж Вы заработались.
May 24, 2009 at 9:01 am
@Cederash: I wish I could read Russian. Thanks for stopping by anyways.
May 29, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Take care my dear.. try to sleep and let it go..
May 30, 2009 at 1:14 pm
@Uni: that’s mainly what I do now. Lost interest of most of the things I used to like.
June 4, 2009 at 9:49 am
Hi Parvita,
I found your blog randomly, to be honest, its very interesting, inspiring and I’m enjoyed reading every single word. I’m really sorry for what you have been through. I do understand how suffer it is. I’m not really good on this, but as I know the treatment for depression usually involves a combination of : medicine, talking therapies and self help. You have to find your own psychiatrists and find the therapies that suitable and coping with your problem. And then, deal with your self. I know it take big effort to do it. If don’t, you’ll get depressed and then you get more depressed about being depressed. Negative thoughts become automatic and are difficult for you to challenge. Being in a state of depression can then itself, become a bigger problem than the difficulties that caused it in the first place. You need to break the hold that the depression has on you. You have to fighting negative attitudes.Try to recognize the pattern of negative thinking when you are doing it, and replace it with a more constructive activities that can occupy your mind. Improve the way you feel about yourself. Allow yourself positive experiences and treats that reinforce the idea that you deserve good things.
Instead of mental health, you also have to keep an eye on your physical health factors. Some of depression can be caused by body parts disorder. Keep an eye on food that you eat. Food and nutrition can stimulate emotional and mood. Look after yourself by doing a diet. Try to avoid any kind of food that can improve negative affect, common things like caffeine, sugar. And eating a lot a food that contain a good mood nutrients, like protein, omega 3 fish and others. Take an advice from Nutrients Doctor, which kind of food that suitable for you. Before going to the doctor, the easier way is try to investigate for what you’ve been already eating and drinking by writing down in diary every day for around 1-2 weeks, noted about what time, how much the portion, what kind of food/drink, then you can observe it, when the depression came, you can notice what kind of you ate before.
Oya, I’ve read in John Ratey’s blog (author of Spark, The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise The Brain), he wrote that sport activities, especially that make you breathless, can help to produce what he calls “Miracle-Gro” for the brain, its kind like anti-depressant.
All of us have a problem, the matter is how we overcome with that. I have a problem as well, fortunately not heavy as yours. I went to psycologist who’s good friend of mine, so i have talking therapies and self help, and it really works, i recovered faster and feel better now.
You are not alone Parvita! Be strong and keep the spirit on!
Btw, I have a ebook about depression, maybe it can help you. If you’re interesting I will send it to you!
June 5, 2009 at 10:00 am
@sylviacandra: thank you for stopping by and thank you for your tips. It is most useful for me and I hope also for others experiencing the same. I agree with you about food intake. If I may ask anybody who is a good psychologist in Jakarta? That would be most helpful.
I am taking things step by step and thank you for all of you. I am glad I am surrounded by good friends. Some of them do not understand but willing to take time to read and find references about depression so that they can support effectively and I am very, very grateful for that.
June 19, 2009 at 12:55 pm
You come across as beautiful, both inside out. I feel sincerity, honesty and warmth oozing out of every word you write on this blog. A whole woman like you deserve better. It may not come immediately but I believe you will find peace within yourself eventually.
We just have to keep on believing, there’s nothing more to lose when you are at the very bottom of the pit.
June 20, 2009 at 7:33 am
Thanks, Georgina. I love your saying at the bottom. I am getting help and taking medication at the moment and it works. I also have wonderful friends around that sticks around me although I try to isolate myself knowing how embarrassing it is. The stigma stuck to depression is just not making it any easier, but I’m getting there. It is a sickness.
I am reading “Shoot the Damn Dog” and it is about a woman that has depression. At least I know I am not alone and this sickness can be managed, like diabetes or high blood pressure.
Thank you for your warm sayings, I really appreciate it.